I was going back through my blog posts, as I do sometimes, to see what “mood” I’m reflecting on my blog. I’ve been struggling with my family lately and it’s been getting me down. I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t bumming all of you out. 😉
I’m so grateful for this blog because it’s more of a “grateful journal” for me and highlights the good things in my life. I have a terrible memory and SOO much on my mind, so it’s nice to go back and focus on the positive moments.
I wrote the “How you know when you’re done having kids” post as part of my ongoing grieving process of not having the family I had imagined all my life. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but there are little moments that ping my heart and I can’t help but feel the loss of not raising a daughter and wonder if I really have what it takes to raise these energetic boys. I’ve decided that it’s best to let those feelings come and not push them back or pretend they’re not there.
The holiday season is harder on me than any other time of year. We have all experienced these feelings in one form or another. I am truly grateful for my 3 boys and I realize that they’re so strong-willed, busy, and LOUD because they’re mine. (I’ve been known to be a little strong-willed myself, but I’m never loud. ha ha!) I also realize that I should just be grateful that I have 3 children at all. However, my logical brain and my emotional heart are always in conflict over this issue.
I know that I’m just tired from hosting Thanksgiving guests for a week. I’ve been wanting to share my feelings for quite a while now. I’ve hesitated because I know so many of you are struggling with real trials and mine compared to those seem insignificant. But it doesn’t help that I get questions daily on when I’m going to have a girl (like I choose only boys). I wish people thought more about the things that come out of their mouths. I politely tell people that, “I tried 3 times, thank you.”
Thanks for listening. I’ll post some grandparent and great-grandparent gift ideas tomorrow. As well as pictures of my house ready for Christmas!
Can any of you relate to not having the family you dreamed of since you were a little girl?