Since today is most likely the last day I have without Drake or any other pressing “to do’s”, I feel the need to sit down in my quiet home and document a little of my experience the past 2 months.
We all have trials, most are ongoing struggles that we suffer in silence as we navigate this thing called life. However, along with those, I have the tendency to have to learn from the big ones as well. You know, the ones that are so obvious that you can’t keep silent and everyone can see them and judge for themselves.
I wouldn’t have considered myself a private person, until this experience. I mean, I’m a blogger! I put how I feel and what I’m doing on the Internet for heaven’s sake. 😉 However, I’ve realize that I am very private during my darkest hours. Not because I care what people will think but because I no longer have anything to give.
The past several months have shaped me, have changed me, and have awakened me in many ways. I’m still trying to figure it all out and give it a voice. My biggest fear right now is that I will forget.
I think one of the things I learned is that I have very little faith in others. It wasn’t something that surprised me at first. I’m completely aware that I am controlling because I want to “create my own” happy existence. However, it was a relief to experience that even though I’ve had a lifetime of people disappointing me in the past; it doesn’t mean everyone else with disappoint me in the future.
This was the first time that I haven’t been able to take care of myself or my family. It was devastating!! As much planning and preparing that I’m constantly doing to ease the future – I was forced into an impossible situation where I needed others to do it for me. It’s a very humbling experience.
For Jason it was like taking care of an infant all over again. At night I was up every 2 hours in agony needing pain medication for 6 long weeks. I couldn’t get any relief from the medication and had bouts of uncontrollable tears as my body wasn’t able to rest, sit, or lie down without pain. I just couldn’t get comfortable – ever. With a loving heart and kind eyes he took on the burden of both father and mother during the holidays. He not only took such great care of me and the kids but also protected me as well. His sacrifice the past 9 weeks has made me love him even more. Honestly, I didn’t think it was even possible but it’s true. I adore my Eternal Companion and feel so blessed that we have each other. He’s been a rock with a great attitude throughout, with very little sleep, very little down time, while juggling work, his MBA program, the kiddos, housework, and me.
I feel so fortunate to have such strong and dedicated friends who have lifted me up and helped relieve the immense burden on Jason and myself. It was such a blessing to experience loving people bring food, DVD’s, books, MP3’s, lunch, goodies, take my boys to the movies, invite the boys over for play dates, while constantly taking the guilt away and letting me just focus on healing. I looked forward to friends coming over and chatting a bit about life outside my room, and the love I saw on their face instead of pity.
Before I ruptured a disc in my back, I had been doing a lot of soul searching. I had been struggling with several issues and was really trying to decide what kind of person I wanted to be versus the person people expected me to be. For 3 months I privately changed my routines, changed my focuses, and tried to meet those expectations of those closest to me. Even though on the outside I was achieving those expectations inside I was still struggling.
Now I’m forced to focus on the basics. I’m having to regain my muscle tone and re-teach my body how to work properly. Walking up the stairs the first time put me in so much pain I called the on-call doctor on a Saturday in tears worried that I had re-injured myself. Now I can walk up and down the stairs 4 times in 1 day. Right now that’s my limit, but I know that I’ll be able to do it more as I gradually get stronger with physical therapy.
I think that through this experience I will be a better friend, mother, and wife. I’ve had a personal goal to serve more for years and every December have felt that I’ve fallen short of that goal. Now that I know how it feels to BE served, I’ll know how to properly serve others. I think the key is to try and take away the guilt like so many of my wonderful friends did for me.
Growing up with out, taught me how to work, made me strong-willed, an entrepreneur, and committed to having a better life for my children.
Raising Davis taught me compassion, structure, commitment, eliminated my judgement of others, and keeps me focused on the future problems and issues we’ll have to tackle together (a teacher of sorts).
The challenge of not having a daughter yet yearning for one so badly is something that I still constantly struggle with inside. It teaches me compassion, how to deal with a sense of loss, and moving forward even without having your dreams fulfilled. I’m still working on it.
Back surgery and now rehabilitation of my body has given me a testimony of service (what people really need in their darkest hour), a strength I didn’t know I possessed yet has humbled me at the same time, faith in those close to me, and a better understanding of who I am today and why.
I pray that I don’t forget.