Do you ever get to the point where you have so much to say, that you can’t say anything at all? The past several months my head has been spinning with ideas, blog posts, things to share, feelings, upsets, and drama. But what do I do with it?

Nothing.

Why? Chalk it up to fatigue, time, interest, lack of eloquence, attention span, it could even be all of these things.

Somewhere along the road I’ve lost my voice, my right-fighting (the good kind not the destructive type), my passion, and fight to be heard. I’ve become…

Complaisant.

Alas, it is true and as you can tell I have lost my voice on my personal blog. The difference is, that I know exactly the reason this has happened.

I can no longer tell my story the way I want to. I know you hard-core-long-time-bloggers are disagreeing with me and you can leave your comments and tell me how you deal with it. But now that everyone I know reads my blog, it’s no longer fun.

Lisa (my sister) and I talk about this all the time, the most fun we had blogging was in the beginning when only strangers read our blogs. We could poke fun at our ourselves, our families, tell stories as they really happened (not edit or omit names and drama), and didn’t have to worry about hurting other’s feelings if they weren’t invited to an outing.

For some reason, having to make little omissions or not being able to share the entire story takes the authenticity out of my blog and makes me not want to post at all.

I was talking to Wendy the other day, telling her the latest drama. She said that I had the best stories and had to write them in a book one day! That made me so sad, because that is what my blog is supposed to be. It’s supposed to be about those unbelievable things that happen in life, how you over come them, deal with them (right or wrong) and how you really live.

“You Can’t Handle The Truth!”

I’ve decided that right or wrong, good or bad, that’s what my blog is going to be about from here on out- real life. I’m tired of editing, omitting, and trying to keep everyone happy or feelings in tact.

From now on, if you don’t want it blogged about – don’t do it. Better yet, if you don’t want to hear about – then don’t read my blog.

My personal blog isn’t for traffic, branding, or publicity. It’s just for me to record, vent, and develop supportive and healthy relationships with other bloggers who share the same passions, heartaches, and creative outlets that I do.

Sure I could go private, but then I’m not able to meet new bloggers and really develop the online relationships I’m looking for. I have very different interests than my friends in real life. Of course I ADORE them and wouldn’t trade them for the word! However, I draw a lot of strength from my blogging sista’s. I have relied on them in ways my friends in real life wouldn’t understand.

You can take this as a warning or what it really is an invitation to be a part of my life and my story. The good, bad, and ugly truth.

I’m not a snarky or mean spirited person and would never outwardly try to hurt someones feelings, especially someone I love. However, I do want the freedom to express myself, laugh at, and enjoy my own life and the experiences I have while in it.

Naturally, it’s going to take me some time to get back into the habit of blogging daily, being authentic, and finding my rhythm again. But it’s something that I’m really looking forward to. Life is flying by at light speed and I’m missing opportunities to express how I’m feeling and recording the unbelievable that’s happening all the time.

I hope people in real life understand, will be supportive, and know that yes I will have my camera. {{wink}}

XOXO

Laurie

Since today is most likely the last day I have without Drake or any other pressing “to do’s”, I feel the need to sit down in my quiet home and document a little of my experience the past 2 months.

We all have trials, most are ongoing struggles that we suffer in silence as we navigate this thing called life. However, along with those, I have the tendency to have to learn from the big ones as well. You know, the ones that are so obvious that you can’t keep silent and everyone can see them and judge for themselves.

I wouldn’t have considered myself a private person, until this experience. I mean, I’m a blogger! I put how I feel and what I’m doing on the Internet for heaven’s sake. 😉 However, I’ve realize that I am very private during my darkest hours. Not because I care what people will think but because I no longer have anything to give.

The past several months have shaped me, have changed me, and have awakened me in many ways. I’m still trying to figure it all out and give it a voice. My biggest fear right now is that I will forget.

I think one of the things I learned is that I have very little faith in others. It wasn’t something that surprised me at first. I’m completely aware that I am controlling because I want to “create my own” happy existence. However, it was a relief to experience that even though I’ve had a lifetime of people disappointing me in the past; it doesn’t mean everyone else with disappoint me in the future.

This was the first time that I haven’t been able to take care of myself or my family. It was devastating!! As much planning and preparing that I’m constantly doing to ease the future – I was forced into an impossible situation where I needed others to do it for me. It’s a very humbling experience.

For Jason it was like taking care of an infant all over again. At night I was up every 2 hours in agony needing pain medication for 6 long weeks. I couldn’t get any relief from the medication and had bouts of uncontrollable tears as my body wasn’t able to rest, sit, or lie down without pain. I just couldn’t get comfortable – ever. With a loving heart and kind eyes he took on the burden of both father and mother during the holidays. He not only took such great care of me and the kids but also protected me as well. His sacrifice the past 9 weeks has made me love him even more. Honestly, I didn’t think it was even possible but it’s true. I adore my Eternal Companion and feel so blessed that we have each other. He’s been a rock with a great attitude throughout, with very little sleep, very little down time, while juggling work, his MBA program, the kiddos, housework, and me.

I feel so fortunate to have such strong and dedicated friends who have lifted me up and helped relieve the immense burden on Jason and myself. It was such a blessing to experience loving people bring food, DVD’s, books, MP3’s, lunch, goodies, take my boys to the movies, invite the boys over for play dates, while constantly taking the guilt away and letting me just focus on healing. I looked forward to friends coming over and chatting a bit about life outside my room, and the love I saw on their face instead of pity.

Before I ruptured a disc in my back, I had been doing a lot of soul searching. I had been struggling with several issues and was really trying to decide what kind of person I wanted to be versus the person people expected me to be. For 3 months I privately changed my routines, changed my focuses, and tried to meet those expectations of those closest to me. Even though on the outside I was achieving those expectations inside I was still struggling.

Now I’m forced to focus on the basics. I’m having to regain my muscle tone and re-teach my body how to work properly. Walking up the stairs the first time put me in so much pain I called the on-call doctor on a Saturday in tears worried that I had re-injured myself. Now I can walk up and down the stairs 4 times in 1 day. Right now that’s my limit, but I know that I’ll be able to do it more as I gradually get stronger with physical therapy.

I think that through this experience I will be a better friend, mother, and wife. I’ve had a personal goal to serve more for years and every December have felt that I’ve fallen short of that goal. Now that I know how it feels to BE served, I’ll know how to properly serve others. I think the key is to try and take away the guilt like so many of my wonderful friends did for me.

Growing up with out, taught me how to work, made me strong-willed, an entrepreneur, and committed to having a better life for my children.

Raising Davis taught me compassion, structure, commitment, eliminated my judgement of others, and keeps me focused on the future problems and issues we’ll have to tackle together (a teacher of sorts).

The challenge of not having a daughter yet yearning for one so badly is something that I still constantly struggle with inside. It teaches me compassion, how to deal with a sense of loss, and moving forward even without having your dreams fulfilled. I’m still working on it.

Back surgery and now rehabilitation of my body has given me a testimony of service (what people really need in their darkest hour), a strength I didn’t know I possessed yet has humbled me at the same time, faith in those close to me, and a better understanding of who I am today and why.

I pray that I don’t forget.

xoxo
Laurie

I’m hijacking Laurie’s blog to tell you that her surgery went well yesterday. The doctor said it was a severe rupture and she also had a bone spur, which is very painful, but he cleaned everything out and is optimistic for a full recovery. She’s still in the hospital and is still in pain, but there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you have to squint to see it. Thank you all for your prayers, emails, meals and babysitting. I know Laurie and Jason appreciate all that’s been done to help their family through this difficult time. She’s got a tough few weeks ahead while she recovers from the surgery so keep the prayers coming.
Lisa

{{this is my reality and my perception}}

Last week, three different people gave me a little insight to their perception of what I contribute to their lives. To sum it up, I fell short.

At first, I felt completely defensive. In my head I was saying, “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea of how much I accomplish each day? Do you have any idea of how busy and complicated my life is? ”

Then I remembered what Dr. Phil said, “No matter what happens in your life, how you interpret that event is up to you.”

Each conversation got me thinking and finally I realized that this is their reality and therefore important. This is how they interpreted my actions. They can’t help how they feel and I should be glad that they felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it.

I’ve always known that I’m terrible at managing expectations and lately I’ve been too tired to even try. As a result, it turns out that I have taken for granted some of the people around me. I’ve been so focused on my creating my own experience that I haven’t nurtured a couple of the people I hold dear.

I don’t know why I was approached by several people in a matter of days but in retrospect I’m glad I was. The point was made and I got it.

“We only know and experience this life through the meaning or the relevance of perceptions that we assign to it.” – Dr. Phil

Since I’m a person who puts very little value on image, I don’t care what other people think of me and I don’t care what my reputation is. I’ve always had the opinion that people who can’t deal with who I am {{all the good, bad, and ugly}} simply don’t have to be in my life. That’s their problem not mine.

However, as I’ve been contemplating several issues that have arisen over the past month or so, I’ve realized whether I want to admit it or not, I do hold some responsibility to how other people around me are feeling. Consciously or not, I put out image and create expectations and make myself a reputation.

It has occur ed to me that you can also put too much out there. And in my opinion, too much of anything isn’t healthy.

To date, this is my 427th post. Usually I would consider this an accomplishment of a commitment I’ve made. However, today it means that I’ve contributed 427 more information about me than anyone should know. {{giggle}}

I’m not a private person per se but I like my space. I like certain people to know everything about me and others to know very little. In real life this is easy to control, however being a blogger it’s not.

I’ve been wondering if some of these issues have been caused because people I know in real life are reading my blog and coming up with their own interpretations of my life. I’ll be honest and admit, that there were a couple days when I decided that I was going to go private. I felt like that would solve all these issues and I could go back to a time when life was simple. A time when blenvy didn’t exist, people didn’t have a play-by-play of what I was doing, or who I was doing it with. Everyone in my life would feel special and know that I care about them because when I’m with a friend, I’m with that friend enjoying the moment.

I think it’s important for people in my life to know that I’ve always had this busy, always moving, striving to be better, creative, flawed life. I didn’t just happen because I started blogging.

To everyone in my real life,



I adore you. I have a young soul and have to learn everything by trial and error. I don’t know it all and I don’t think I do. I’m not fabulous at relationships, at times I struggle. I can’t read your mind, I wish I could. I cherish your friendship. I don’t judge. I try to understand your perspective in life and learn to appreciate it and enjoy it. Sometimes it conflicts with mine, I’m ok with that. We don’t all have to be the same. Please forgive me if I can’t remember what your husband does, or what I did last week, or when I called you last.



Know that I feel blessed to have you in my life.



Laurie



P.S. I find myself making every possible mistake. Love me anyway.

This is why I’m always busy. {{sigh}} What are you doing this morning?

“Yes” – Party Supply Store helper

“Yes” – Party supply store cashier

“Yes” – Party City cashier

“Yes” – Garden Ridge cashier

“Yes” – Returns clerk

“Yes” – Male stranger in waiting area

“Yes” – Hair Stylist

“Yes” – Strange lady looking at me weird

“Yes” – Wal-mart cashier

Yes. I have three boys.

No. I’m not trying again, I already tried 3 times. {{I can take a hint}}
Yes. They are busy.
Yes. I am tired.

{{Now stop looking at me like that! I don’t need your pity! I love them dearly and am happy I have them! You should be happy for me too, dammit! I’m tired of answering the same questions! Find something more original to say to me!}}

Geeze! I need to have a shirt made.

This week Jason’s been out of town and I’ve been on my own in the most stressful week I’ve had in a while. I thought it would be fun to do a week wrap up while playing “Good Mom/Bad Mom”.

Why? That’s just my life right now. I can’t win. I usually screw something up while doing something fun for my boys.

Bad Mom – Since Monday was a holiday, I lost an entire day of preparation. I shampooed my carpets Tuesday morning, which meant that I had to take all the boys with me to run errands Tuesday afternoon. They hated it!

Good Mom – I couldn’t find Indiana Jones hats for less than $6/ea for Dylan’s party. However, while we were shopping, I found some plastic gangster hats on clearance. Dylan was upset when I bought them because they weren’t brown. {{unbeliever}} So I spray painted them brown and voila!

Bad Mom – I lost Toby. Yep! While cleaning out the garage, I let him come out and hang with me. I thought I was keeping a good eye on him. But quite frankly bins make me giddy. I must have got too involved in my new black bins I was filling up. Drat!

We looked and looked for him. Gratefully, when I came home from Scouts that evening there was a note on my front door that my neighbors had him. {{whew!}}

I was too embarrassed to go over and get him so I sent the boys. I grabbed 2 snickers and attached the note, “Thank you so much for finding Toby. I hope we can ‘snicker’ about this later. We were really worried.”

Good Mom – The boys want to walk home from school every day. Honestly, I don’t completely trust that they will stay together and keep each other safe. So we’re doing it in increments. This week I met them at the stop sign in front of our neighborhood, 1/2 way home. They have felt so grown up. I’ve been quizzing them on the way home of various scenarios.

Bad Mom – I didn’t go to either of the boys orientations this week. Since Jason was out of town, I just wasn’t up for dragging all 3 boys. Dylan was really upset.

Good Mom – I went to the Grandparent lunch for the boys. My MIL wasn’t able to come to the party after all and my mom wasn’t there yet. Even though it was party day and I still had a ton to do – I grabbed some Sonic and ate lunch with them.

Bad Mom – I didn’t take Dylan to soccer practice this week.

Good Mom – I remembered to take cookies to school so Dylan could celebrate.

It was the most productive week I’ve had in a while. I got summer shampooed, scrubbed, and painted out of my house. It’s nice to have my house back the way I like it. {{relief}}

I missed my man terribly and realized how dependant I’ve become on him. My poor girlfriends had to take the slack. 🙂 Thanks girls!

It’s official, our IRS audit is now over! It’s been 16 weeks of stress, worry, and negotiation. We ended up hiring our accountant to represent us and she did her job. We ended up owing the IRS $0.00.

“I am Vindicated!

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I’m right

I swear I knew it all along!



And I am flawed {{oh so true}}

But I am cleaning up so well…”



I knew that Jason and I are honest in our business dealings and we didn’t take advantage of gray area deductions. I knew that this audit was completely unjustified.

I’m not going to dwell on the small fortune it took to get to this point. I’m just going to feel blessed it wasn’t worse. I have felt completely powerless and victimized and am so glad it is over.

I feel a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I am relieved. {{teary}}

Well, it has officially happened. I have bit off more than I can chew. Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time. {{wink}}

With everything breaking around me – my camera, my taxes, my car, a leak in my roof, my sprinkler system, Drake’s head – of course it would be time for my phone.

My phone (a.k.a life line) has been on the fritz for some time. However, as of last Wednesday it would not even turn on when plugged in! This is my 3rd phone (same make & model) I have worn out. Geeze!

So, it’s time to make some changes and take control of my chaotic life. Another problem I’m having is the more Tip Junkie regulars I get – the more e-mails I get – the more requests & favors I get asked – the less time I have. It’s become a real problem.

I am not complaining. It’s a blessing that so many women share my passion and I am glad to help anyone that needs it. However, since it’s causing stress that I can no longer control – I have had to implement an auto responder to Tip Junkie e-mails and will no longer be able to answer every e-mail and request personally.

Honestly, I’m bummed about it. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know so many amazing women all the while feeling helpful and useful. But it’s consumed me and I’m no longer able to get the “Best” things in life done.

Leave it to my man to come to the rescue! He came home Monday morning with a huge grin and something behind his back. I was so delighted and thought it was donuts. 😉 Can you believe he surprised me with an iPhone. {{squeal with delight several times and scare the kids half to death}}

He got up early that morning and waited in line to get it! I can’t tell you how much I need this. I need the calendar with 30 minute alerts to remind me of appointments and commitments I’ve made. I need the GPS on it because I’m always lost. I need the camera on it because I don’t always lug around my big one. I need the To Do check list because I keep loosing all my scraps of paper I write on when with important info on it.

Jason you are my knight in shining armor this week, coming to my rescue! Thanks for my personal assistant (a.k.a. iPhone), setting up my auto-responder, and knowing what I need when I need it. You’re the best!

I haven’t owned anything so extravagant that I haven’t had to share. Nope, not boots or even a coat as nice as this. So this is a real treat for me. {{grinning from ear to ear}}

Hopefully, these new tools will help me stay on time, not overbook myself, and help me be more efficient. I need all the help I can get.